Listen to my Stories...
Saturday, November 14, 2009 ♥ 9:31 PM
Guilt
Wana pen this feeling down while it's still fresh in my heart...
went grandma house...
mahjong session...
won 5 bucks...
but didn't collect the winnings from them...
sis and i treated them dinner...
the usual...at the coffeeshop...
to many of your...
you may think it's cheap...lame or even stupid...
but to me...
this night is special...
actually...it's not that special...
it's just that i get to spend quality time with them...
grandma...uncles...mum...aunts...
after dinner...
we "chilled"
chat while digesting...
send grandma back...
pushing her in her wheelchair...
i joked around...
saying "Grandma,you are getting fatter and heavier, i do not have the strength to push you."
she smiled...
but the acutual fact was...
grandma was getting lighter...
thinner by the day...
the wheelchair was light...easier to push...compared to the past...
Sis and i decided to give uncle Heng $20...
Grandma $20...Big aunt $50...
Uncle Heng cried when sis gave him the money...
yes...he's ill...
but it's not sympathy...
he took great care of me and sis when we were young...
bought us clothes...
gave us money...
as if we were his kids...
the least we could do...is to be fillial...
when he cried...there's this sour feeling swelling up inside me...
i quickly went to Big Aunt house to hide my bottled feelings...
and i gave her $50 next...
she has a grandson to take care of...
she has sons who gave her so little money that she,herself has to fork up to cover their ends...
as for grandma...she kept rejecting my money...
i had to stuff it into her pocket and run off...
they were touched...
we were saddened...
what can i really do to help them??
i am in the army...can't send them for check-ups...
i am not really sure what else i can do...
and i have this strong fear of losing them...
they kept saying they won't have time/chance to see us get married...
they are going off soon...
surrounded by negative thoughts...
i really want to find a girl to help me act...
to humour them for a day...
to let them have fewer worries...
to see them smile more often...
The first time i spent so much money and feel extremely sastified with it...
Mum told me this on our way home...
the money we gave them can't be compared to the love/care they gave us...
do what you can to help them...
and it's this feeling now that i am having...
the feeling that i didn't/couldn't do much...
and it's this feeling called...
'Guilt'...
♥~♥~♥~♥~♥~♥~♥~♥~♥~♥~♥~♥~♥~♥~♥~♥~♥~♥~♥~♥~♥~♥~♥~♥~♥~♥~♥